I like stuff.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Rut.

"Fate has a funny way of knowing what you bring
One shot, one chance is yours for changing everything
It all seems so perfect now, it all seems like you're impressed
And given half the chance you'd know it works out for the best

This wasn't up to me but the damage is already done
Let me introduce myself: you're in the presence of a brand new number one"
-Tub Ring

So this was a thought first verbalized the other night while on the phone with a friend, but I suspect it's been bouncing around for a little bit, and perhaps it is time to develop it a bit.

I'm in something of a rut. After several rounds fighting the alarm clock and its evil, evil "snooze" button, it's straight into the routine:
  • Get up.
  • Brush the teeth.
  • Get presentable. (as much as is feasible, anyhow)
  • Throw on some clothes.
  • Turn on the computer.
  • Check email and a few websites.
  • Pet the cat.
  • Scoop up the contents of pockets from yesterday and load up.
  • Grab the badges so I can get past the gates at work.
  • Lock the door.
  • Drive to Starbucks and order a "Large Iced Coffee, unsweetened, no room." (I just can't bring myself to say "Venti", but at least I stopped arguing with them. Give 'em a couple bucks. Throw the change into the tip jar.
  • Back in the car.
  • On the freeway. Merge at roughly the same place every day.
  • Brake as traffic bunches up at roughly the same place every day.
  • Get to work. Park.
  • Put on Badge #1. Grab Ipod. Stash phone. Lock car.
  • Walk 15 paces toward gate.
  • Walk back to car and check to make sure I rolled up the windows.
  • Walk to gate. Realize I forgot to pack something for lunch, again.
  • Drop off coffee and Ipod at desk. Go check to see who else is around.
  • Work.
  • Eat lunch.
  • Work.
  • Drive home, usually stopping at a grocery store or Trader Joe's for the evening's meal.
  • Sit in front of the computer for a couple hours, reading email, checking forums, watching stupid things on youtube, whatever.
  • Eat.
  • Optional activity: Go for a walk. Draw. Drool. Whatever.
  • Check to see if anything new is on the Tivo. Watch an hour or so if it seems interesting.
  • Go to bed too late.
  • Lather
  • Rinse
  • Repeat
And with the rare exception, that's my week. The weekend comes and goes in a flash, with variations involving "not work", "trying to do something creative", "trying to get out more", or "vowing that I'll get to things like cleaning the apartment next weekend."

So it goes.

To some degree, it feels like I've got nothing to look forward to. You know that relative time concept where expectation of the future makes it feel like ages before it'll get here? Like a kid waiting for Christmas, or a birthday, or summer vacation. Yeah, I look forward to the weekend, and by the time it's here, it's almost already gone.

So what've I got right now? I got through high school. I got through college. I got some job. I'm thankful for these things, and thankful that I've got a roof to sleep under, food to eat, and don't really spend much time trying to figure out how to make ends meet. I'm blessed in that regard, but there's only so much life-enrichment that comes of that.

Many of my friends live far enough away that I don't get to see them very often. Some are married or having kids and moving on to the next stage. Some are just good folk that I've met through this intarweb thingy and never in person. It's enough to make you feel sort of disconnected.

Maybe I'm reaping the effect of all of those years of care-free goal-less "Why plan beyond tomorrow?" living. Maybe it's time to start thinking about "What comes next?" so that I can start working toward it, and maybe even slow down the clock again waiting in anticipation to see the benefit of efforts.

Damnit, I'd like to say I achieved something more important this year than entering my fourth decade.


(see also, "Bust that Cycle")

1 comment:

stiill said...

Hmm, I kept meaning to reply to this, got my expectations too high, and put it off a million times. So screw it-- a crappy response is better than none, right? :P

I've definitely been in that rut a few times. I fight chaos to establish some sort of schedule, and then there's not enough chaos. The thing is that you're in a pretty good place to get out of the rut, though. You've got the resources to experiment, one of the biggest ones being time. If you can actually set a number of hours each week that you force yourself to NOT do the things you listed-- say, 1-2 hours a day is new shit time-- you'll start having some fun really soon.

I don't know if even that much is necessary. Hell, you may be out of the rut by now anyway. If not, you probably will be soon.